" I learned that it is the weak who are cruel , and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong . Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity. "

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♥ Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Sometimes, all i need is just a simple hug.

HI! I just came back from Malaysia tonight, not long ago, and i have awesome time spent there! ^^ Mostly are food, food, and food, fat me :(
My little nephew was there too, 7 months old and i swear he's the first baby i've ever seen that is always smiling and laughing. I've never heard him cry for the past few days when im staying there, he's way too cute. See!


Sucha cutie, i keep wanting to carry him around and play with him, hehehe melts my heart when he laugh.
But anw, i didnt went to much place. Only the Penang Hill, where we have to take sky train to go up to the top of the hill. Boring too, Singapore Zoo better still. LOL.
Went to a restaurant thats along the seaside, the scenario is beautiful! I didnt take much photos because nothing for me to take, LOL. So, just a photo of the seaside.





Nothing to elaborate about.
Last day, had our last meal at Malaysia before we go back to SG.
And finally we are on the plane, i swear i had a hard time sleeping and worst plane trip ever -.- The little kid behind me keep on crying and crying non stop, he even threw the menu book and hit me, my bro and my sist's head. Not one time, but thrice. And we have to pick up for him, his parents have to keep on apologized. My brother still can sleep soundly despite the kid's crying. Argh totally spoiled my mood on the plane.
So i decided not to sleep and look at those clouds instead, LOL. But its really pretty, and i feel like touching those clouds. LOL K LAME.

Reached SG and i received tons of texts and Twitter mentions from Gina, she's giving me a surprised by coming to Changi to fetch me, tgt with my doggie! Parents went off first and left me there alone! :( So i waied for them alone. They last min planned this after i've got on plane, so they were late! But still, i was very happy knowing that they made the effort to come and fetch me. Hehehe.
Aston for dinner at Changi, and received a call from someone, happy me today!
Bused to Tanah Merah and cab home, the driver must be thinking that i wanted to "run cab", LOL. *Sorry i good girl i dont do that.* Because i only had my phone in my hand and nothing else, ez-link and money were in my pocket. So the cab driver asked me "How old are you? From here go to Yewtee quite far uh, where's your parents." LOLOLOL.








The Pooh im holding is a bolster that i bought for her at Malaysia. Xiangling's one is a Doreamon, Eunice's one is a dog and Bokmay's one is a pig! Hehehe.

♥ Monday, March 05, 2012

You shoot me down, but i wont fall.

Hey, its a new month of 2012, its march. Time passes really fast uh? It's really an important year for me this year, im having my O's level, but my studies doesn't seems to improve. Im still being so emotional these few days, couldn't control my own feelings at all. I've been focusing more on my D&T coursework, but i really feel like giving up, i hate it when i put in so much effort yet i still couldn't make it right. Tell me what to do?

Y'know, recently my classmates have been counseling me, told me what have i become compare to the "me" last time. Guess what? Their answers are negative.

• I've become more quiet compare to last time.
• I've become more emotional compare to last time.
• I've become more depressed compare to last time.
• I've become more sentimental compare to last time.
  
• I've become a total different person when im alone compare to last time.

I didn't denied, i really changed a lot, ever since someone criticized on me, FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
Last year, i was like how im used to be last time, full of confidence, my self-esteem wasn't that low to the extend that i feel sensitive whenever people look at me.
On the June holiday of last year, i was outside alone, otw to meet one of my friend at town at his workplace, his friend was with him. I couldn't find him and see clearly as i wasn't wearing my degree lens, so i called him up.

The conversation between us was like this(we comunicate in chinese):

Me: Where are you? I cant find you.
Him: I think i saw you, continue walk straight.
Me: Got meh? *continue walking and stop talking awhile* Ok i saw you alrd.
Him: Yea. Eh, my friend say your thighs fat sia.
-I bring up all my courage to type this conversation out, you know, it really hurts-
Me: *Pretend i didnt hear clearly* Huh?
Him: My friend say...
Me: Ok lah bye saw you alrd.
Him: Okay.
-Hangs-

BUT, he stabs me again.. and yes, infront of his friend. And its the first time i met his friend. So, when i reached, i sat down, he told me again..

"My friend just now say your thighs fat."

At that point, many things run through my mind, i really dont know how to respond, i really wants to cry out and just run away but i know i shouldn't be so weak in the public and i guess if i really did that they will be shocked too. Well, i decided to act normal and gave him a smile. I did, i hold back my tears and continue using my phone, treating it as nothing happen.
The reason why i am like this because this is the first time i heard someone i dont know at all said smth negative about me. Slowly, one of his friend came too. I walked alone behind, and my mind starts running wild, i starts to feel sensitive. 3 of them were walking infront, whispering to my friend, i know they were talking about me. As expected, my friend turned back and said "Eh, my friend ask why you so short, and he ask you chinese or malay, or mixed blood." You know, that feeling that i really couldn't describe at all, again, all i do was giving them a smile, and i said " pure Chinese." I really dislike it when people thought im a malay, i mean, im not racist, i just hate looking tan because i swim. So, i continue using my phone and walking behind them. My friend came behind and walk with me, he was really a blur guy, he didnt notice my facial expression at all. But i think that was pretty good too, at least it save some troubles. He continued to joke with me, to make me feel comfortable tgt with his friends i dont know at all. But, on that day, at that moment, im alrd feel hurt, my self-esteem went all the way down, my confidence was lost in just a few seconds, and one sentence. My nightmare didnt end just like this. At night, all of them went back to look for their friends while i went to Bugis. When i reached home in the midnight, one of his friend(we know each other) called me, he told me that he met my friend slacked just now, i said i know. In my heart, i really wanted to ask what did they said about me. But, i dont have to open my mouth and ask at all, he automatically told me this:

Him: Just now you were at town with them right?
Me: Yea, why?
Him: Oh nothing, asking. Because i met them after that.
Me: Yea, i know. And then?
Him: Then i asked him(the guy that criticized about me) how do you look like. (He has never met me before, he got my number because my friend gave it to him without my permission -___-)
Me: Oh.. ok. So?
Him: So he said smth funny.
Me: What?
Him: He said, you were short, not that pretty, fat, and look kinda like malay.
Me: *i fucking swear that i wanted to cried, i wanted to bang my head straight* Haha really? Then what else? What did you say?
Him: Nothing alrd loh, i just laughed.
Me: Oh, funny meh? *he wanted to say smth, but i cut off his sentence* I want to sleep alrd, bye.

From that day onwards, i've become really really sensitive and emotional. I dont want to do things alone, because whenever im alone, i tends to look around my surrounding to see other people, and if i saw someone looking at me, even though i know it just purely coincidence looking at my directions, i feel paranoid. I would thought to myself that the person must be thinking that im fat, he was looking at my thighs, my tummy and my arms, he must thinking that why am i so ugly. I wanted to find a hole and hide myself so much, so so much.
After this incident, i've been hearing more and more people saying that im fat. Sometimes i really couldn't take it anymore that no choice i have to put on a smile to pretend that im really fine with it. I know they are being honest, but i just couldn't take it. Recently, my school PE lesson is to run for our 2.4km and train us. One of the teacher asked my friend "The Zhenru last time skinny skinny one right, why now become so fat ah?" I swear when i hear this i really feel like killing myself. I know that there's more people outside in this world are way worst than me, but, who doesn't wants to look good? I admit that im kind of a person who couldn't really take criticism, i act like im really cheerful in school, or outside with my friends. I act like how i used to be last time, go out with confidence when in fact i was looking around me.

Some of my classmates, spent hours talking to me, telling me not to care about what others say and just be myself.

My doggie, Eunice, told me this, "Duck, i tell you, no matter how deep have your confidence drop into the sea, even if you're drowned, you must still find it back. Because that's the real you."

Anqi told me this, "Your true friends wont judge you, they will accept who you are. You now still have all of us what. Live for yourself, not others, gain back your confidence to show others you can do it so they will love you."

Kristine told me this, "Why do you mind so much about what others said? You get easily affected by words, how are you going to be strong next time when you face the society? Learn how to be strong, no one gonna help you except for yourself, you have to help yourself first before others can help you."

Im thankful with the friends that im surrounded with. Im trying my best to find back my confidence, but i failed to stop thinking so much at night.


Haha, ok done with my rantings. Gonna head to bed now, nights people. Xx.