" I learned that it is the weak who are cruel , and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong . Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity. "

Follow me on Twitter @Lockmylove
(Click on image)

January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 / May 2008 / June 2008 / July 2008 / August 2008 / September 2008 / October 2008 / November 2008 / December 2008 / January 2009 / February 2009 / March 2009 / April 2009 / May 2009 / June 2009 / July 2009 / August 2009 / September 2009 / October 2009 / November 2009 / December 2009 / January 2010 / February 2010 / March 2010 / April 2010 / May 2010 / June 2010 / July 2010 / August 2010 / September 2010 / October 2010 / November 2010 / December 2010 / January 2011 / February 2011 / March 2011 / April 2011 / May 2011 / June 2011 / July 2011 / August 2011 / October 2011 / November 2011 / December 2011 / January 2012 / February 2012 / March 2012 / May 2012 / January 2013 /

♥ Monday, December 05, 2011

I've a phobia of losing someone important to me.

Hi guys! Y'know, sometimes i really hate blogging because i don't know how should i start with it /: Hmmm.

As you guys can see my title for this post, "I've a phobia of losing someone important to me." Yes, i've officially lost someone that's really really important to me, im not gonna mention the name because of some personal problems but, i guess some people who knows me in person should know who im talking about after finish reading this post.

Well, i believe that everyone went through friendships problems before, it's like a MUST-GO-THROUGH thing in our lifes. I've been through once, a really hard one. So i learnt my lesson and cherish every friends i have as much as i can, but still, i failed. Be it relationships or friendships, both are hard. I used to have failed relationships, and thus, i dont really trust guys nowadays, especially when they starts their sweet-talkings. Ok, this isn't what im gonna blog about. Ha ha.

So.....

Remembered when im secondary 3 i had a ultimately super close friend(if you know me in real person or read my blog before)? Yes, she's the first friend that's important to me and i've lost her because of my wrong doings and some arguements. And i regret for not treasuring her, but what's done couldn't be undone, so i moved on and get over it, and i swear that i had a hard time moving on, i took months. And i tell myself that she'll be the last person im gonna lost, after her, no more.


Im sure that everyone hates how people walk in and out of our life, many complained, many rants, many starts to get upset and stuffs. I swear that i really know how it feels like, it really sucks. I cant stop complaining too, but slowly, i get used to it. I remember for a period of time, i've contact many different people and made lots of outside friends, but as time pass by, they left. Yes, without giving any warning. I cant stop complaining to my pretty sisters, and whinning on twitter after a few of them left, and i was thinking "Why am i giving a fuck to people who doesn't give a fuck about me?" So, i told myself that "Friends come and go, no one really stays." But then again, so what if im having that "Friends come and go" mindset? I still trusted and believed people in their words, which i know that most are just plain empty words.

I starts to get very emotional after this bestfried of mine left me not long ago, it's only about one week? I know that most of the girls wants a guy bestfriend that even others thinks they're couple. A guy bestfriend that you feel comfortable with, a guy bestfried that you can just be your true self. Sounds fun and cute isn't it? Well, apparently i had one, i can guarantee plus chop that he's really a good guy.

• He's the first person who will be there for me when i need someone to rant my sorrows and complain all my unhapiness.
• He's the first person who will text me immediately after he saw all my rantings on twitter.
• He's the first person who will call me straight after i told him im feeling upset.
• He's the first person who will make me laugh and give me advice at the same time when i told him about my crush.
• He's the person who will talk to me on the phone throughout the whole night just to make sure im fine.
• He's the first person who keeps quarrel with me because i dont listen to him with his good intentions.
• He's the first person who i wants him to keep disturb and irritate me and still dont get angry.
• He's the first person who i'd really try my best just to make sure he feels better when he dont.
• He's the first person who i told all my secrets to and i swear it's every single thing.
• He's the first person who i cried for when we quarrel.
• He's the first person who can pull my entire mood down when he ignores me.
• He's the first person who can brighten up my day when he's in a good mood.
• He's the first person who can made me smile when he said smth cute.
• He's the first person who treats me really well.
• He's the first person who i dont lied to.
• He's the first person who i dont mind telling him all my password, be it facebook, twitter or even my phone sms's password.
• He's the first person that i just want him to be happy because when he's happy, i am too.
  
• He's the first person who i dont mind him taking my phone to post nonsense stuffs on my twitter/facebook or even send nonsensical stuffs to my friends.
• He's the first person that i can be really open-minded with.
• He's the first person who i laugh at his sarcasm towards me and still dont feel offended.
• He's the first guy who i really feel comfortable with.
• He's the first guy who i can really be myself.

Haha. Do i sounds like we're couple? Yes? Well, there's really someone who mistaken us as one. I literally LOL-ed when he told me about it. Many said i've fallen for him, but no, i dont think so because i like someone else instead. Many said i'll be really happy and feel blessed if we are tgt, but again no, i dont think so because he had a girlf and we only treat each other as best friend and nothing more than that. I'd really really feel weird if we are tgt because we know each other too well, furthermore, he is in a stable relationship that alrd last almost half a year and they are really cute and sweet couple. I feel happy for them, speaking from the bottom of my heart. I want him to be happy. Things went on smoothly, and things i didn't expect happened, shall not elaborate on what had happen but, i thought this will be just a "normal" tiff we are going to have. Yes, i thought it would be...


Sigh. I tried ways to try not to bother about it but still, it affects me alot. I comfort myself by telling myself that he wont leave me in launch because he promised me and i know he's a person who doesn't likes to break his promise. I always believe that he'll be back till then, i realized somethings about him and i got really speechless. I couldn't believe it and i literally felt like i got bang by something hard, and that heart sank feeling caused me to burst out crying in the middle of the night. I cry myself to sleep and wake up as if im alright, this is one of the things we hate too right?

I dont get it, i dont get it what have i done to deserve all these. I apologized with the whole of my heart, i tried my best to treasure everyone i can but God seems to be playing a trick on me. I swear i really hate being ignored by him or quarrel with him, it really spoils my mood that whatever others do seems to be very annoyed to me even though it has totally nothing got to do or involved with them, at all. Maybe its karma? For i treated someone(another person) badly who's really trying to be good to me, i really felt guilty. I wanted to apologized but you know, i've got no guts to do so. I feel really bad that i dont even know what should i do so i just leave it. This person left me yet i cant be bothered at all, so whenever i thought of why would me and him end up being like this is because of my karma. And partly also because i took it for granted, whenever we quarrel i'll be thinking that "Ah fuck it, forget it. We'll be fine in a few days time." This time round, i dont deny that i had the same thinking too but i still fucking couldn't believe that he had left me for real.

So guys, dont end up like me, this is the biggest regret in my 17 years of life. Im not saying that i dont regret when that girl i've mentioned above left too, but at that time i was too ignorant, i didnt know how to cherish and treasure her, i dont feel the same when she left me compared to him. To be honest, i cant afford to lose him. I really couldn't but yet i have to accept the fact and face this shit. Please, treasure every friends you guys have before you regret, i dont want anyone to end up like me.
Guess i've been too emotional in this post...